Get Your Armor

Get Your Armor

Many people ask me how things went with Philip’s recent court filings. My best answer is better than expected, which is a sad reality that regarding the family court system in Alabama, do not expect much. For the people who ask for details, I often explain about the shock. Going in to this back in January 2009, Philip was advised that to be able to maintain his frequent contact with his children, he will need to get that schedule approved by the court. He and his ex-wife could jointly file a petition to modify their divorce decree, which needed several updates anyway. The process of trying to contact her or her attorney was fruitless and eventually he just decided to go through the court for these two things, to change the decree schedule to the one they had already been following, and to change the child support from $1690 per month, which was the original amount agreed to when the girls were in daycare, to a more reasonable amount. From this point on what ensued was shock. Shock at a mother who told her children that her lawyer said they could not see their dad. Shock that she hired a private investigator to follow me, Philip, and the girls around. You can only imagine the shock of a seven year old girl seeing pictures of herself taken secretly by a man parked down the street from her dad’s house. Shock that while she is making $100,000 a year, she has had Hayden and Meredith living in her mother’s basement during their time with her for over two years. Shock that she truly believed her children would benefit from spending time with her mother during the summer days while she was at work, rather than attending library programs, spending time with their friends, nature programs, kids camps, etc. Shock that the child psychologist that she took them to reminded Philip and I over and over again that it was not about the children to her. Shock that she continuously ignored the recommendations of the child psychologist. Shock that the children were behaving so badly at her house (hitting, screaming, Hayden banging her head against the wall, tantrums, and most recently Hayden threatening to “stab herself with a sharp knife”. The people at Alabama Psychiatric Services really helped us understand a lot and they even recommended that the girl’s mom is just too angry to have clear judgment today. He reminded us that right now it was about her and she was trying to inflict pain however she could and she may not be thinking about the girls best interests. He told us to continue to allow the girls to have as much of a normal life as they could when they were with us and to encourage them to make good choices and pray for them when they were not. So we started doing that. We decided that no matter what we would put the best interests of the girls first. Philip’s mom came up from Laurel, MS to go to the Grandparent’s Day breakfast with Hayden and Meredith. It was on a Friday morning. He asked to switch evenings so they could see her since she lives over four hours away and they had not seen her since the summer. Their mom said no and that Philip should have made the arrangements during his time. I am sure the school would welcome a phone call from Philip asking them to change their Grandparent’s Day breakfast to conform to their parenting schedule. Ha. Anita came anyway and went to the breakfast. I felt so bad for the girls because they cried when they found out they could not be there when she came. Anita seemed completely okay with it and I wondered how and then she explained it so well. She said the girls will never forget this time. They will never forget when their mom did not let them spend time with their granny for no good reason at all. They will never forget how they felt. As sad as all this sounds, this is a memory that will be forever engrained in their hearts and it will help them be stronger and realize they need to look out for their own best interests and not rely on their mom to do it for them because right now she is making decisions based on her own emotions.

There were several problems last year, including a dress code violation by both girls last year while they were in first grade and Hayden splitting a pair of pants at school last year that were too small. We have taught them to check the sizes and make good choices because we realized no one was paying attention to them wearing too small clothes during their time with their mom.

The shock that their mom refuses to allow them to attend Awanas and told these two sweet girls that she did not like the church. She did not even tell them why and had them wondering what was wrong with the place they worship God.

To have the girls tell us that they want to come after school and they are scared to tell their mom is heartbreaking. I want them out of the middle as much as possible. They should not have to be afraid to tell their mom anything and she should not want them to be. I pray every day that this will change.

The girls designed a “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” notebook of their own over the summer, based on what they had read in a book the child psychologist had recommended. They even wanted to type some of the pages. Their mom eventually refused to send it between households without even talking to Philip or the girls and they were pretty upset but we reminded them that we could keep the notebook and if their mom ever decided to use it we would always have it. I think they were the most upset because it was their idea and their creation.

The two biggest shocking things of all were the lies and the lack of caring. Their mom began a series of lies about everything. When I say lies, I mean LIES. Everything that she and Philip had ever decided on or agreed to was moot. If it was agreed to and could be proven she claimed she was bullied, harassed, etc. into doing it and if it was an undocumented agreement it never existed and Philip should pay for claiming they ever did. Philip’s attorney and the psychologists told us that this was typical behavior when someone does not want to make any changes. Philip was accused of bullying, harassing, his children being scared of him, not paying for health insurance, etc. We will never forget this and will forever be official in every discussion, agreement, change, parenting issue, etc. The trust that was there is probably forever lost. We have saved every document and discussed many of theses things with the girls under the advice of their psychologist. We have decided to pursue positive co-parenting at all times and never give up. We have decided that the girls are always welcome anytime and are 100% a part of our family no matter what.

The five biggest benefits of all of this are these:
1.We have the children at set and specific times. While we both hope that someday things will improve and their mom will be willing to co-parent and we will never stop trying, the girls have time with their mom and time with their dad and there is nothing she can do to deny it, change it, manipulate it, etc. That is a wonderful feeling.

2.We learned a lot about how things are at their mom’s house. This was probably one of the scariest things, to find out so many things that were going on at their mom’s house. We learned about some serious behavior problems and things like them staying in their pajamas until 3:00 PM and never having been outside on days they stayed with their grandmother during the summer. While we cannot change things directly while the girls are there, we hold them to exceptionally high standards and teach them about making good choices. One of the child psychologists told us to just live our life and live it well and that eventually the good things will filter into both households. So we have done that. The girls have daily chores, they practice Awanas daily, they pick out their clothes and make sure they fit and they match, they clean their own bedroom and bathroom, they help make dinner, we recycle almost everything we can at Philip’s house, and so much more. The biggest thing that has made me so proud is that we set the standard that everything they do is a choice. And the good things are definitely filtering.
3.For two years now, we have developed out own relationships with teachers, staff, coaches, doctors, etc. This has been great. We never have to contact anyone to get any information. We just go directly to the source. With Philip having joint custody he has completely equal rights to any and all information. One of the girls’ teachers has family who has been through a divorce. She knows what type of situation we are going through and she goes out of her way to make sure things are as easy on Hayden as possible. Hayden, Philip, and I will never forget her kindness. This has been wonderful for us. No medical treatment of the children can be hidden from either parent and we have the right to all information regarding the children. Philip has had this right all along but I believe that she controlled all information. We even got our own official copies of birth certificates and additional copies of their social security cards so we would not have to borrow a copy from their mom. There are so many things both parties can do so make co-parenting be as businesslike as possible.

4.We made some decisions about going to court. Neither Philip nor I want to spend the time or energy to go to court. It is in the best interests of Hayden and Meredith if their parents work things out together. We learned this year that sometimes that just won’t work. We also learned that the courts are there to help. Earlier this year, their mom refused to send Hayden’s prescription medicine during her time with Philip. This is completely unacceptable and possibly neglectful and we still cannot figure out why on Earth she would not want her daughter to have medication. So Philip and I talked about this and decided that if he was unable to work out something important with their mom, like swapping medicine, and the court was the only alternative to ensure the well-being of either child, that we could go to court and we would be willing to if we exhausted all other options and the best interests of the children we being denied.

5.Lastly, but possibly most important, we have learned to document everything. We have become a very efficient documentation machine. There is no a single so-parenting issue that is not documented, recorded, or memorialized in some way. We made it simple and we went with the advice of a co-parenting specialist.

We pray every day for the well-being of the girls. We are so proud of them and the independent young ladies they have become. It is disappointing when they go for three days at their mom’s house and do not do their homework, because you know they are smart and can do it. I realize that for something to be important to children in a household it has to be important to the adults as well, and obviously homework is not a priority there. We discuss it and remind them that they are in charge of themselves and their own choices. As much as they want to say it is their mom’s fault that they did not do their homework, they know it was their choice.

Their mom always seemed like no matter what she would never do anything to hurt her children or keep them from their dad. I believed her completely. She stood on the front porch at Philip’s house and told me that. So I was truly dismayed when things began to unfold. Her legacy for the girls has already been laid and hopefully their mom will see that a much better legacy could be happening. There is so much more I could write here. I pray for all the children out there who are children of divorce. Philip and I are just beginning our journey and I cannot wait.

We have been blessed to have some great books to help us through this. Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci is a fantastic book. I bought this earlier in the year and was pleasantly surprised to have it personally recommended by the child psychologist. I think she was pleasantly surprised that we had already begun to read it. We also bought Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids, also by Isolina Ricci and this is a WONDERFUL book. The girls have embraced reading a little of this each night. Sometimes there have been really good discussions afterwards and even some tears when we discuss the tough stuff. They asked us if they could share it with their mom. She said that she was getting the books herself. Months went by and she never did, so we sent the girls a copy of the kid’s books and sent their mom a copy of the parents’ book. The girls said they have been reading it together and their mom even referenced the parents’ book in a recent e-mail. I am so excited about that. Perseverance and patience does pay off! I love both of theses books and they have been a wonderful true north in a time of hard decisions. Ginny Morris and Dad's New Girlfriend by Mary Collins Gallagher and Whitney Martin and Ginny Morris and Mom's House, Dad's House by Mary Collins Gallagher and Whitney Martin are both wonderful books as well. We have bought so many and we check out some from local libraries. These have helped the girls so much. They have made them aware that so many other children are going through this as well and that there are ways to help. They have also learned that they are entitled to love both of their parents and that they do not have to sit around and listen to anyone say anything bad about either parent. This past month, a parent and one of the coaches of the girl’s sports team came to Philip and told him that the girl’s grandmother had been in the stands at a recent game and was talking about Philip and making disparaging comments. We were surprised. There was no shock that their grandmother would want to say bad things about him because she does a lot of the parenting for the girls while they are with their mom and she had made it very clear. We were shocked that she would do so publicly, at a sports event where the children were present. It makes me feel better that the girls know they can tell people to stop talking about either parent and that it is ok to love both parents. It is a shame that they would have to suffer the embarrassment of having their grandmother talk badly about their dad at their event, where their friends and other family were. There is also a court order in place to keep this from happening. Hopefully, this will improve and we will not have to use the court to enforce the order. As many of us learned as children, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all; especially about your grandchildren’s dad. These books have helped all four of us so much and I hope they can help the girls and their relationship with their mom just as much.


There is a song by Jordin Sparks called Battlefield. It is about love. Several times she says why does love always feel like a battlefield? It is interesting that this year has felt somewhat like a battlefield. I am so proud to love a man who is so humble and kind. He loves his children more than words can describe. I feel like he has been in a battle this year. It was a surprise battle and we never even knew there was a war. War is a terrible word to describe dealing with someone you once viewed as an equal co-parent but this has felt like war. This war was different because two soldiers who were on the ground in the battle were Hayden and Meredith. Jordin says at one point “you better go and get your armor.” That is the best line in the song. There will come another day when the girl’s best interests need to be met and court may be the only way to resolve a major issue. We can only live our life and make sure that we document everything and take care of our family. The best thing we can do is get our armor ready. Our love for one another, or way of life, our right to peace and contentment, our faith, our values, and our hope is our armor. These things will help us through and protect us.